How POKER can help you handle a tough conversation

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We are all faced with tough conversations from time to time – some more often than others.  Nobody likes having them but as they are part of business it makes life so much easier if you learn skills to help you handle these difficult conversations effectively.

So many factors are involved when you are faced with the prospect of a tough conversation and the more you can plan your approach, the greater your chance of achieving a positive outcome.

Preparation is key

If you do everything you can to prepare and you think about the way to approach the conversation, you will be in a good place to achieve the successful outcome you are looking for.

I find P.O.K.E.R. a useful prompt as it helps me remember the key areas to consider and prepare for:

P:         PAUSE. PONDER. PLAN – think before you speak

O:        OBJECTIVE – what is your objective?  What do you want to accomplish and what is the best way to achieve this?

K:         KNOW – know your audience.  What is their perception of the situation?  Why did they react as they did?  How are they feeling?

E:         EMOTION – remove all emotion from the situation and be rational.  This is business.

R:         RESPOND – don’t react.  Stop, think and then respond.

Learn from the conversation

Why not think of each tough conversation as part of your personal development rather than an ordeal and learn from it – that way it become a positive rather than a negative. It’s also good to   reflect on what happened before, during and afterwards.  Think about what was the cause, what you did or said, and the outcome also how you could handle the situation differently in the future, both in terms of the preparation and the conversation itself – if indeed you need to change what you did.

For more tips and strategies, such as analysing what makes a conversation difficult, how to prepare, and respond not react, download the everywoman workbook, How to handle tough conversations, from the everywoman website (member login is required).  If you are not a member of the everywomanNetwork* you can download a preview from bookshelf on our Personal Development page or go to www.everywoman.com/join to sign up and gain instant access to the whole workbook plus a range of exclusive tools that support your personal development.

*everywomanNetwork membership gives you access to workbooks, webinars, interviews, case studies and expert advice, plus promotional opportunities for you or your business, member discounts and offers, and the ability to connect with like-minded women.

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Fight or flight – do you avoid tough conversations?

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There you are, doing your job and doing it well, when Bam! You find yourself in a difficult situation and faced with a tough conversation.  You can’t wriggle your way out of it, that’s not your style, and you know that careers can be made or broken on just one conversation.  What do you do? 

Ask almost any business manager or director what is the most difficult aspect of their job and they will often cite tackling difficult conversations or communicating contentious issues as being at the top of their list.  Tough conversations are a part of business, whether with a colleague, your team, boss, a client, or a supplier.  How you handle the situation and the subsequent difficult conversation will affect your relationships and the trust people have in you.

What do you do now? Here's some food for thought.

1.     Clarify the situation

Take some time to think about the conversation you need to have and jot down some thoughts.  This should help clarify the issue you need to address.

2.    Is it really an issue?

Think about what would happen if you avoid the conversation altogether.  This is a good self-check to see if you have made an issue bigger than it really is, or have made an issue out of nothing.  If there is an issue to be dealt with, put some thought into what you want the outcome/s of the conversation to be.

3.     Reasons we avoid tough conversations

Most barriers are perceptual rather than actual and you need to identify these barriers to properly communicate your desired outcome/s.  Whether you think that nothing will change or you will be wasting the other person’s time, it is how you prepare and deliver your message that will determine whether or not you can make an impact or make a difference.  It is up to the other party to decide what to do with the information you give them, but it is always better to get real issues out into the open. 

4.     The cost of avoiding tough conversations

Businesses want leaders who will speak up and not people who ignore issues.  Having one or two small but difficult conversations directs focus and ensures the other people involved are aware of the issues – you need to make the penny drop for the other person.  Bear in mind the worst case scenarios if you avoid the conversation, such as missed deadlines, failed projects, lost clients, possible HR involvement or corporate liability.

It is up to you how much thought and energy you put into making your next tough conversation successful.  The next time you get that butterfly feeling inside when faced with a difficult conversation, what will you do … fight (have the conversation) or flight (avoid it)?

The advice above has been taken from the everywoman workbook, Preparing for tough conversations.  You can download a sneak preview of it from the bookshelf on our Personal Development page.  To learn about analysing what makes a conversation difficult, how to prepare for it, responding not reacting, and using your P.O.K.E.R. face, download a copy from the everywoman website (member login is required).

If you are not a member of the everywomanNetwork* go to www.everywoman.com/join and sign up to gain access to a range of exclusive tools that support your personal development. 

*       everywomanNetwork membership gives you access to workbooks, webinars, interviews, case studies and expert advice, plus promotional opportunities for you or your business, member discounts and offers, and the ability to connect with like-minded women.

No responsibility for loss caused to any individual or organisation acting or refraining from action as a result of the material in this publication can by accepted by Everywoman Ltd or the authors.

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